Dear Kate and Tanya,
Thank you both so much for organising the Healing and Hope luncheon and catch up for mothers and siblings. I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to attend.
This was my second time attending a Healing and Hope event for family members of students who suffered abuse while at Geelong Grammar School. It’s difficult, hard, depressing – and also really rewarding, worthwhile and reassuring to attend these events. As some of the mothers have now seen each other at previous H&H events, you can see that while walking in with a heavy heart, some of the mothers look forward to catching up with others who are living the same experiences. It is a nice opportunity to speak about our heartaches with others, who know the background and because of their shared experiences, can understand these things so much better. I felt I could speak freely, without judgement or the risk of shared confidences escaping. I felt heard and understood.
For years, I felt silenced. I couldn’t talk about my brother’s abuse, because he couldn’t talk about it. He doesn’t want to acknowledge what happened; he doesn’t want to engage with the school in any way. And yet for years, it was the elephant in the room. My brother would talk about things that had happened at school almost every time we met, as if his time at school were the only lived experience of his life – and yet he was over 40 years old. My parents said we couldn’t talk about the abuse he suffered at school, because it is his story, not ours, and because he was not, is not, ready to talk about it, or willing, or able to. And so we have carried the silent shame, the weight of silence, as well as the weight of caring for him in what became an increasingly heavy workload for me as a sister in the years before I moved overseas. It was only when my brother spoke the classic suicide type thoughts that I snapped, and called the school, and said they had to know, that he had to be one of the boys who was counted.
I am so grateful for all the help you have both given me since then, and for the work you have done to support others in our places. We might not have spoken up during the Royal Commission 10 years ago, but we knew it was happening. My mother followed it closely. It would be years before we could talk out loud.
It was so helpful to hear Michal Magazanik speak of the history of litigation, of the engagement of the school at different stages and the changes that have occurred over the years.
In the discussion that followed Michael’s talk, I spoke of my realisation that it is only because of the work that all those around the table had done before, that my family could be there now. They say that we stand on the shoulders of giants, but I prefer to think that my family and I follow those who have walked ahead of us in deep snow. The effort, the loneliness of being the one in front, each footstep pushing down through the fresh, untrodden snow – it takes so much longer, it takes so much more effort. And with that effort, we see both the path to follow, and that we are not alone. We are reminded of those who have gone before us.
When you speak with other mothers and siblings, please give my heartfelt thanks for their bravery, their honesty, their support and their openness. I appreciate so much the opportunity to meet with them all, and I also want to thank them for looking out for my mum, who has shouldered so much over so many years. It means a lot to me to know you are all caring for her, while she continues to care for my brother, as I do too.
With my love, and many thanks.
- May 2025
